Crush with Eyeliner

Wednesday, 16 April 2008 20:16
mysteriousaliways: (Primeval - Captain Ryan)
[personal profile] mysteriousaliways
Title : Crush with Eyeliner
Author : [ profile] mysteriousaliwz
Rating : PG 15
Fandom : Primeval
Pairing : Ryan/Stephen
Warning : Explicit Language. Sporfle Factor: Fairly High, judging by Fred's reaction when she beta'd it - Beverage Warnings apply ;)
Author Notes : More from the Sanctuary! verse, sequel to Sanctuary and Kink. Thankfully the Primeval fandom seems blessedly free from bad!fic, let's hope it stays that way :)
Thanks to : [ profile] fredbassett for her beta services.
Apologies in advance to the following :
REM fans (I love their songs, the title of that one was was too good a fit with the fic to pass up);
the person whose fic I quoted - your fic may have made my brain bleed, but a lot of people seemed to like it;
Britney Spears;
those on my flist who write bandom;
anyone who's ever written a tender love scene in a slash fic without turning it into a smushfest;
actually, better make it anyone who's ever written a fanfic.
I'm sorry. Please don't hit me.

Rescued from certain oblivion, our protagonists are taken to a place of refuge in the parallel dimension of fanfic. They call it: The Sanctuary.

Crush with Eyeliner

"Hello, Management?"

"Yes, Ryan, what can we do for ... is that eyeliner?"

"Yes, and could you tell me how I can get the sodding stuff off? Camouflage face paint is bad enough, but at least that comes off with soap and water."

"Eye-makeup remover and cotton wool balls, top right hand pocket of your tac vest."


Ryan extracted the small bottle from his tac vest, tipped some of the liquid onto the cotton wool and wiped at his eyes.

"Great, that seems to be doing the trick."

"Where's Stephen?"

Ryan sighed heavily.

"He's gone and shut himself away in the snooker room and won't come out until I've got this stuff off. He says he's got no objection to blokes in eyeliner, but he says on me it looks downright unsettling."

"I can see what he means. But isn't that a bit of an overreaction? Granted, it looks a bit ...well ..."

"Nah, it's not so much the eyeliner as such - it was just the last straw after all the other stuff. You mean you haven't seen what's been going on here?"

"No, I've only just this minute logged on as duty manager. What's up?"

Ryan snorted.

"Where do I start? I think it probably began with him fluttering his eyelashes at me and looking coy. I mean, I know he's a bit of a flirt, but he doesn't usually do ..." Ryan flailed his hands about, searching for the right word " ... winsome. His eyelashes are damn sexy, but he doesn't need to do anything with them, they're just there. And then he looked at me."

"Looked at you?"

"Yup. Only it was more sort of gazing into my eyes with the daftest dopey expression on his face. And I could feel myself doing the same. It was horrible. But the worst bit was the crying. He went on about how traumatised he'd been when he'd found out about me in the Permian and that thing you lot don't like to talk about, and he ended up clinging on to me and weeping on my shoulder. Got my t-shirt all soggy."

"That sounds most unlike him."


Ryan looked uncomfortable.

"And the weird thing was, I was sobbing my heart out as well. It wouldn't have been so bad if it had even washed the eyeliner off, but it just smudged it. You're laughing, aren't you?"

"No, no, no, do carry on."

"And then he went on about what a wonderful boyfriend I was and how safe he felt with me. And I was cuddling him and sort of ... cooing at him. And using the word 'like' about three times every sentence. If you can call them sentences, because we were both talking for ages without stopping to breathe. It was bizarre. I'm just thankful I have a decent lung capacity or I might well have passed out due to lack of oxygen. What is it with that?"

"Ah, I think I know what that is."


"Lack of punctuation. I think we have a bad!fic situation."

"Good god! Is it going to go on for much longer? Because I don't know how much more I can take of this. I mean, I'm quite happy to take my kit off and have sex in front of you lot, but this? This is bleedin' embarrassing. I'm a thirty-five-year-old bloke, not some love-struck teenage girl. If any of my mates in the regiment heard about it I'd never live it down."

"This happens sometimes. I'll see if I can track down who the author is. Can I put you on hold, I'll just be a moment?"




"Can you lose the muzak? I'm not that big a fan of the Hammond organ version of Vivaldi's 'Four Seasons'."

"Sorry, it went on automatically. I'll turn it off."

"Thank you."

Several minutes passed. Ryan got out a second cotton-wool ball and gave his eyelids another scrub, inspecting the cotton-wool afterwards for any residue.

"Ok, I've been over to her LJ and had a look - from what I can decipher among all the textspeak and numbers, the Primeval fandom was just a fleeting interest and she's moved on to some guys in a band. Lots of photos of pretty boys wearing black. And she's defriended all the Primeval communities, so I think you're probably safe."

Ryan looked immensely relieved.

"Thank god for that."

"Apologies for the inconvenience. How about if I run you up a nice little Porn Without Plot to make up for it? It's not long till Comment!Porn Sunday, so that should keep you going till then."

"Brilliant! I'd better let Hart know the good news."

He hurried through the maze of corridors.

"So, how's that piercing thing working out for you?"

Ryan beamed.

"Fantastic, thanks! He was a bit grumpy to begin with, but now they've healed it's really added an extra element to the sex. He loves it. And the cable ties thing was a real bonus - I didn't mind being tied up with them, but we've found that when we tie him up he really gets off on it, the kinky bastard."

"Oh good."

Finally he came to the door of the snooker room and hammered on it.

"Stephen? You still in there?"

"Yes" replied a wary voice. "Is the eyeliner gone?"

"It is. Are you going to come out now?"

"That depends. Are you going to try to hold my hand again?"


"Recite Britney Spears lyrics at me?"


"Offer to protect me from all the bad things in the world and keep me safe for always?"


"Tell me how much you love my 'quivering little boy-hole'*?"

Ryan winced.

"Nope. But I could offer to fuck you up the arse so hard you can't sit down for a week?" he suggested.

The door swung open and crashed against the wall. Stephen emerged, a huge grin on his face.

"Back to normal then, Ryan?"

"Too right, Hart. Get your arse into that bed pronto. Gun oil is in the usual place."

Ryan swiped at Stephen's backside as he passed, and Stephen leered back at him.

Ryan looked up and gave the thumbs-up sign.


"You're welcome."

Normal service had been resumed.


'quivering little boy-hole' is an actual quote from a fic I once read and was used in all seriousness in the original context. I won't mention the fic, fandom, pairing or author, to protect the innocent guilty. Come on, I may be perverted, but even my brain couldn't come up with something like that.
I'll get the bleach.
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Date: Wednesday, 16 April 2008 19:40 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
HOWLHOWL! Absolutely priceless! Love the duty management bod and the PWP to make up for all the trouble and the pretty boys wearing black and the band slash . . . Actually, I love every bit of it :o)

Date: Wednesday, 16 April 2008 20:54 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thanks - the crack!bunnies took over my brain and I couldn't stop them.

At least I managed to put all those years of reading and writing fanfic of questionable quality to good use *g*

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Date: Wednesday, 16 April 2008 19:59 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you for the beverage warning. I made sure not to be eating or drinking anything when i read this, and a good bloody job too! There woud have been bad drink-spraying incidents if I hadn't.

*still sniggering now*

I love this Sanctuary!verse.

Date: Wednesday, 16 April 2008 21:05 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Free clingfilm with every Sanctuary!fic! Wrap up your monitor now!


Sanctuary!verse has taken over my brain. There is no hope.

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From: [identity profile] - Date: Thursday, 17 April 2008 07:19 (UTC) - Expand

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Date: Wednesday, 16 April 2008 20:10 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm an idiot. Read the beverage warning and thought 'No I won't laugh THAT much at it.' Oh, how very wrong I was. My laptop is currently dripping.

'quivering little-boy hole' I don't think I'v ever laughed so much. absolutely priceless.


Date: Wednesday, 16 April 2008 21:08 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

*hands you sheet of kitchen roll*

That phrase has been indelibly etched onto my memory ever since I read it several years ago, no matter how hard I try to forget it. So I thought I'd inflict it on you lot and share the pain *evil grin*

Date: Wednesday, 16 April 2008 20:19 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Yep, I've now just nearly sporfled gin over the keyboard t follow this morning's tea.

Santuary-verse is just an utterly perfect concept. The Duty Management idea is brilliant.

Date: Wednesday, 16 April 2008 21:15 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thanks m'dear *g*

The Sanctuary! concept is kicking off so many plot bunnies for me. The idea of having your favourite characters ready to act out your favourite porn fic ideas is pretty appealing :D
*pets Ryan and Stephen - such good boys, bless them*

Of course we'd need to have a duty rota - we have to make sure our lads have all they need. It would be a tragedy if there was no-one around to supply handcuffs/ostrich feathers/bacon sarnies at the opportune moment. Got to look after them *nods seriously*

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Date: Wednesday, 16 April 2008 20:20 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
'quivering little-boy hole' ????


Not *really*.

I'm too unnerved even to laugh - at that bit, anyway. Laughed a lot at the rest.

>wonders if googling 'quivering little-boy hole' will turn up original fic?

Wonders if brain will explode if so?

Date: Wednesday, 16 April 2008 20:31 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
No. It didn't. Probably just as well, really...

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Date: Wednesday, 16 April 2008 20:52 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I love this so much.
Quivering little boy hole is sheer genius in the right context!

Should we warn the boys that [ profile] fredbassett and I were thinking about having a bad!fic fest?

Date: Wednesday, 16 April 2008 21:30 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Lol, thanks. I've been carrying the burden of having read that phrase around with me for years. Not even the brillo pads would shift it.

*peeks at the Sanctuary*

I think I should warn you that Ryan must have overheard you, because he's digging a bunker in the cellar to hide in. I expect mutiny in the ranks.

Date: Thursday, 17 April 2008 00:35 (UTC)
ext_1004: (primeval - Ryan)
From: [identity profile]

"Eye-makeup remover and cotton wool balls, top right hand pocket of your tac vest."

rotflmao!!! Is that a new super power? One only known to fanfic writers?

"No, I've only just this minute logged on as duty manager. What's up?"

Who do I have to kill to get on thaat duty roster? If little miss 'flirting with Primeval before finding bandslash-soulmate-fandom' can get on there, I demand a stint! *nods*

I love this universe... *happy cackle*

Date: Thursday, 17 April 2008 10:32 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Lol, well if Fred can produce cotton buds from his tac vest (which I thought was brilliant *g*), I think it's a logical deduction that Ryan's tac vest is in fact a special top secret piece of kit that can provide the correct equipment at the appropriate time, whatever is needed. Of course when The Management are operating it as opposed to the military, what comes out of there may be somewhat ... different. You should see what I have him getting out of those pockets in future episodes *g*

Of course you can be on the duty roster! I can't keep those two supplied with porn all by myself, the rate they can get through it. (And considering how many ideas I've purloined from the rest of the Primeval community so far, particularly Fred's Ryan/Stephen series, most of you lot are already effectively on it whether you realise or not *g*)

Please feel free to play in this universe as much as you want - I never planned to keep it to myself, and I'd love to see what other people do with it. Ryan and Stephen are stolen anyway ;)

Date: Thursday, 17 April 2008 00:54 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Lol I love this. Although now I really really want Stephen in some kind of make up. Of course in my mind he make up comes with a corset, fishnets, high heels and the lyrics to Sweet Transvestite...

Date: Thursday, 17 April 2008 10:36 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
LMAO! You're not one of my friends from work are you? Only the only RL friend who reads my LJ (hi M!) has been reading my Primeval stuff, and at work last week came out with 'Of course, I'd have had Stephen in lingerie by now.'

I had to stick my fingers in my ears and go 'lalalalala' to stop the plotbunnies bounding around my brain and completely ruining any prospect of doing any work for the rest of the day.

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Date: Friday, 18 April 2008 12:00 (UTC)
ext_27141: (Stephen Motorbike)
From: [identity profile]
*gasps for breath*'s hurts...laughing too much...

Lov the god-like Management!

Date: Tuesday, 22 April 2008 02:01 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*sends Stephen to massage your ribs*

He has long fingers. He's good at that sort of thing.

Ahahaha, the power! *cackles *

Date: Monday, 28 April 2008 20:24 (UTC)
fififolle: (TW Desk on Fire)
From: [personal profile] fififolle
Oh this was sooo good :) I was laughing so hard. Poor old Ryan. And the ending was fantastic *grin* And the whole eyeliner thing was too good :D

Date: Tuesday, 29 April 2008 01:43 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thanks - Ryan is such a male, I thought it would be fun to see how he reacted to such a girly role *evil cackle*.

And eyeliner would look kind of unsettling on him, I don't see him as the type, lol.

Date: Friday, 30 May 2008 15:01 (UTC)
ext_72482: (misc: primevalsteg)
From: [identity profile]

I think you broke me!
I've been really surprised at the lack of bad!fic in our little world. Although there are the few with little moments here and there when it looks like they've been taken over by 15 year old girls, but on the whole we've been lucky. ^_^

I do so love this little series. ^_^

Date: Friday, 30 May 2008 17:12 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Hee! The (frankly rather scary) mental image of Ryan in eyeliner just dug itself into my brain and refused to get out until I wrote this.

You can tell I've spent way too many years reading fics of dubious quality :) And as you said, we've been lucky in the Primeval fandom. (Although I have had a glance at some of the stuff in and decided that I'd stick to the LJ comms, thanks. But I have to say I've read much worse *g*)

Date: Friday, 12 December 2008 20:14 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh god, the quivering little boy hole!


Date: Friday, 4 December 2009 10:29 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank goodness I'd swallowed my mouthful of coffee before reading this. It's an utter joy to behold, and Sanctuary is a brilliant creation, long may it last! :-)

Date: Friday, 4 December 2009 23:26 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thanks for commenting! I've had a lot of fun with Sanctuary, especially seeing other people pick it up and run with it :)

Date: Friday, 4 December 2009 12:13 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Yay for [ profile] bigtitch reccing this today, as it's a great excuse to re-read! I howled with laughter all the way through again -- I think the quivering boyhole and the bad!fic and the writer pushing off to band fic are classics, although the rest run them close!
Edited Date: Friday, 4 December 2009 12:14 (UTC)

Date: Friday, 4 December 2009 23:32 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I've read so much bad!fic over the years - this was one way to make use of all the wasted hours by turning it into 'research' *g*

Date: Friday, 4 December 2009 14:01 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*sporfles loudly*

Love this one to pieces!!

The quivering little boy hole will always hold a special place in my little doggy heart.

Date: Friday, 4 December 2009 23:36 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
The phrase 'quivering little boy-hole' burned itself into my brain the moment I read it, so of course I felt I had to inflict it on share it with the rest of you *eg*

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Date: Friday, 4 December 2009 17:41 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm not sure when I read this, though I notice I didn't comment.

This is my second favourite Sanctuary after the very original one, which can't be beat almost by definition.

Date: Friday, 4 December 2009 23:43 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thanks for commenting this time :)

I've had so much fun with Sanctuary. (I've always had a soft spot for 'Kink', the second in the series.)

Date: Friday, 4 December 2009 18:28 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
sporfle! I just love Ryan's matter-of-fact conversation with the duty manager while trying to remove the makeup, brilliant!

Date: Friday, 4 December 2009 23:47 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
The things those lads do for us! *pets*

Date: Friday, 4 December 2009 19:32 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
BWAHAHAHA! 'Quivering boy-hole' XD

Well this fic certainly engaged aaaaaall my chakras! HAHAHA

Oh fandom, you crack me up (as does this fic). :D

Date: Friday, 4 December 2009 23:52 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I can't believe that someone thought that was a suitable phrase to use in a serious sex scene *gets out the brain bleach*

Chakras engaged? Check.
Denial - the place where all your chakras get a good workout!

Date: Friday, 4 December 2009 19:55 (UTC)
ext_27141: (Boys Toys)
From: [identity profile]
I see the phase 'quivering little boy-hole' and I can't not laugh. And then I imagine Ryan saying it, and I laugh even harder... *falls over*

Date: Saturday, 5 December 2009 00:09 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
That phrase just had to be passed on. Because I'm evil like that *manic cackle*
Ryan and quivering little boy-holes seem nicely incongruous :)

Date: Friday, 4 December 2009 21:08 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh my GOD! I can't believe I haven't tripped over this fic before now - thanks to bigtitch for the rec!
I darn near fell of my chair giggling at several points of this - 'quivering boyhole' being both terrifying and hilarious!

Date: Saturday, 5 December 2009 00:15 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it :)
The 'quivering little boy-hole' certainly seems to have made an impression *g*

The Sanctuary!verse has been picked up and shared around the fandom (much like Fred's OCs), and other authors have written some really good stuff using it - check out the 'sanctuary' tag in Denial if you haven't already :)

Date: Sunday, 6 December 2009 09:04 (UTC)
fififolle: (Robin Hood *huggles*)
From: [personal profile] fififolle
Aw, aren't they adorable? *sporfle*

If any of my mates in the regiment heard about it I'd never live it down.

Hearing Ryan have a good old chat with Management was pretty funny *g* This fic is genius.

Not long until comment!porn Sunday, bwhahahaha.

What a joy to re-read!

Date: Sunday, 6 December 2009 15:13 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Of course, this was written well before we'd seen MW in the gold eyeshadow and body paint, but I still maintain that Ryan would look unsettling in eyeliner *g*

The lads do like comment!porn Sundays, even if it takes them a while to recover :)

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From: [identity profile] - Date: Monday, 7 December 2009 00:11 (UTC) - Expand

Date: Tuesday, 8 December 2009 07:43 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

I adore this! The oh-so-wrong image of Ryan cooing at Stephen and the revelation of why is a classic. No wonder Stephen locked himself away until normal service had been resumed ;)

Date: Thursday, 10 December 2009 02:14 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You're right - a mushy Ryan is just deeply wrong. I think they're much happier with the smut than the smush *g*

Thanks for commenting!

Date: Friday, 16 April 2010 13:14 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Just over from the Friday Rec. Brilliant fic but the 'quivering boyhole' is just pure genius!

Date: Friday, 16 April 2010 17:59 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thanks hon!
The quivering boyhole demanded to be immortalised *g*

Date: Friday, 16 April 2010 17:57 (UTC)
fififolle: (Primeval - Ryan oooh by reggie)
From: [personal profile] fififolle
Every time I read this I see more genius *g*

You're laughing, aren't you?"
"No, no, no, do carry on."

I almost died reading that bit, LOL.

Poor boys, having to do all that soppy stuff *evil cackle*

What a wonderful thing this is.

Date: Friday, 16 April 2010 18:02 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thanks m'dear!

I just had a mental image of the duty manager biting her lip and (wo)manfully trying to suppress a fit of the giggles at that point.

Date: Friday, 16 April 2010 18:33 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*Dies laughing*

*Multiple times*

This is absolutely priceless! :D I so adore Sanctuary, and this is a gem in the collection. :)

Date: Friday, 16 April 2010 21:56 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*sends the lads round to give you the kiss of life*

Thank you for your kind words :)
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