mysteriousaliways: (Primeval - Connor's laptop)
[personal profile] mysteriousaliways

Title: Pining for the Fjords
Author: [ profile] mysteriousaliwz
Fandom: Primeval
Rating: 15
Disclaimer: Ryan, Stephen and Primeval belong to Impossible Pictures. Sanctuary, on the other hand is a product of the bizarre thing that is my imagination.
Characters: Ryan/Stephen, The Management.
Summary: Things have reached a parlous state in Sanctuary. Something must be done.
Warning: Distinct lack of smut.
Author Notes: Many thanks to [ profile] fredbassett for her beta services, and to [ profile] bigtitch for her enabling services. Dedicated to [ profile] munchkinofdoom in honour of her birthday. I get around to these things eventually :)


The Management suite in Sanctuary was crammed almost to bursting point. Members of the Management Team were squeezed into corners and perched on tables and desks, the luckier ones having managed to lay claim to the few chairs. The giant plasma screen on the wall showed feeds from the videoconference suites in Australia and North America, with various webcam displays occupying the remaining space. The place was abuzz with curiosity and an air of expectation.

The Chief Porn Officer clumped into the room, overalls and helmet smeared in a thick layer of mud, leaving a trail of clods of sticky, brown clay behind her.

"This had better be good," she grumbled. "We were right on the point of breaking through into a whole new cave system."

"And I had to leave the kids with the old dear who lives next door," chimed in the Stalker-in-Chief, "and she stuffs them with so many sweets and cakes that I have to scrape them off the ceiling afterwards from the sugar high."

"I'd just uncovered a Roman mosaic floor," said the Manager in the Indiana Jones hat. "If I leave it unattended for long someone might muscle in on my dig and take the credit. This had better be important."

Head of Picspams (Northern Hemisphere) looked up from the visitor's application form where she'd been attempting to fit thirty-seven different dates into the box entitled 'Date of Demise' and wondering how to get Captain Jack Harkness to stay dead long enough to get up to anything constructive in Sanctuary.

"Has anyone got any idea what this is all about?" she asked. " I just got the message that something really important had come up and that an emergency Extraordinary General Meeting had been called. What's so urgent?"

"Haven't a clue," shrugged the Head of Visitor Services. "It's not Connor is it? He hasn't gone and done something stupid?"

On seeing the Chief Porn Officer's quizzically raised eyebrow, she continued hastily, "I mean something like getting himself permanently killed."

"Nah, we'd have heard the rumours," said the Manager in the Indiana Jones hat (hereafter referred to as MIJH, you'll be glad to hear).

A sleepy-looking Head of Picspams (Southern Hemisphere) appeared on the videoconference screen, tapped the microphone in front of her and announced, "All present and correct at this end. Why are we all here, anyway?"

"No idea" replied several voices.

"North America division signing in," piped up the Manager on the other videoconference screen. "Hi guys!"

The murmur had grown louder - in fact it could be said to have graduated to a babble of questions and speculation. The only person in the room not involved in the debate was the Chief Medical Officer (cum Hurt/Comfort Consultant) who was busily alternating between typing at her laptop and perusing her medical dictionary.

She paused to ask "Has anyone any idea how long it takes an amputation to heal?"

No-one had the chance to reply, because at that point the Chief Executive entered the room, wearing a grave expression.

"OK then, is everyone here? Can you all hear me at the back?"

Most nodded, but The Chief Porn Officer (let's call her the CPO) was shaking her head, which was tilted to the side, trying to dislodge something from her ear. "Sorry, it's this bloody mud" she muttered.

MIJH handed her a small pointed trowel, with which the CPO extracted a sizeable lump of earth. "There should still be some cotton buds in Ryan's tac vest" added MIJH.

The Chief Executive cleared her throat.

"Sorry to drag you in at such short notice, girls, but I've called this Extraordinary General Meeting because we have something of an emergency on our hands. I think the statistics will make it all clear."

She booted up her laptop, tapped on the keyboard, and brought up a chart on the screen. There was a general shuffling at the back of the room, as managers shifted position and peered over shoulders to get a better view.

"This chart shows the amount of sex that Ryan and Stephen were having in the first three months that they were both in Sanctuary, which we'll refer to as Quarter 1. Compare this with the more recent figures from this last quarter."

Another click on the keyboard brought up another chart, the sight of which brought forth a collective gasp of astonishment and horror.

The message was clear. The charts showed an unmistakable decline, the line that started off near the top of the chart gradually tailing off and then plunging precipitately down until it was barely above the bottom axis. You didn't have to be an expert in statistics to see immediately that this was Not Good.

"God, this is dreadful!" exclaimed the Stalker-in-Chief, whose face bore the same appalled expression as the rest of the room's occupants. "Are you sure there isn't something wrong with the figures?"

"No, I've double-checked - even went back through the CCTV logs. They’ve barely shagged in weeks."

"I never realised - I thought they were just having an off-day on my shift" said the Head of Picspams (Southern Hemisphere).

"Same here" said the North American Division Manager. "I guess none of us liked to admit that our storylines weren't doing it for them."

"I thought it was just me," said the Chief Medical Officer "but there must be something seriously wrong if Ryan and Stephen aren't, uh, performing for any of us. I mean, they used to be at it all the time like rabbits."

"Could they be coming down with something?" asked the Head of Visitor Services.

"Not unless we gave it to them" said the Chief Medical Officer. "And even then it wouldn't last past the end of a shift, maybe into the next day, max."

"We have to do something!" exclaimed one of the managers at the back of the room. "At this rate they won't be having any sex at all!"

Someone whimpered.

"Now there's no need for panic" soothed the Chief Exec. "We just need to work out what the problem is, and then we can all put our heads together and see what we can come up with to fix it. I think I have an idea what the matter might be."

She brought the CCTV feed up on the big screen.

Ryan and Stephen were outside in the grounds. It was a beautiful sunny day outside, but neither seemed to be enjoying the summer sunshine. Ryan was leaning against the top bar of the gate gazing wistfully into the trees outside the garden. His fingers were absent-mindedly fiddling with the bolt on the gate, but he wasn't attempting to open it. Stephen lounged forlornly propped up on one elbow on the grass at the roots of a massive oak tree, irritably pulling a leaf to pieces.

There was a collective sigh from the Management.

"Oh, they look so sad, the poor lads" said Picspams (North). "What do you think it might be?"

"I think I've narrowed it down to something that happened a few weeks ago" said the Chief Exec. "I've gone back through all the logs and found that a few Sundays ago they both tried to go for a walk on the other side of those trees."


"And they discovered that the Sanctuary universe ends just on the other side of that big larch tree."


"Of course, they already knew that Sanctuary was something we built for them to take refuge in and that there wasn't anywhere they could go outside its boundaries, but I don't think it really registered until then."

All eyes were drawn again to the CCTV picture.

Stephen flopped bonelessly onto his back with a grunt. Normally at this point Ryan would have been pouncing on Stephen, pushing up his t-shirt and doing something interesting with those nipple piercings, but the soldier merely rested his crossed arms on top of the gate and heaved a pathetic sigh.

"They're pining," said Stalker-in-Chief. "They're outdoor types, used to action and adventure, going out and doing exciting, death-defying stuff every day. When you think about it, it's surprising they haven't felt the effects of being cooped up in here before now. It must be hard for them, knowing they can't get out."

"Benevolent house arrest," said Picspams (South).

"Effectively, yes," agreed Visitor Services. "Surely there must be something we can do?"

"Right, chaps," said the Chief Exec firmly, uncapping a marker pen and attaching a fresh pad of paper to the flipchart stand. "We need ideas."


Several hours later, the meeting was coming to a conclusion among stacks of empty pizza boxes and drifts of crumpled-up balls of paper.

"Right, so that's settled," said the Chief Exec. "Does everyone know what they have to do? All the responsibilities are clear?"

There was a chorus of assent.

"Okay then," said the Chief Exec, leaning forward in her chair. "Make it so."


The story is continued in
Under New Management by [ profile] fredbassett

Date: Saturday, 31 January 2009 00:37 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh, this is just genius! There I was, sporfling at all the usual suspects, when the end bit brought me up short and made me snivel . . .

More, more! Like yesterday, please. Or I'm sending round the pitchforks and burning torches mob (oh, hang on, they're holed up in the management meeting. Damn *g*)

Date: Saturday, 31 January 2009 00:41 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Fred's doing the next bit! It should be on it way soon, so send the mob round to her doorstep instead. Once they get out of the meeting, that is *g*

Date: Saturday, 31 January 2009 00:40 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*snickers* I love it. Poor boys.

Date: Saturday, 31 January 2009 00:44 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you!

Poor boys, all forlorn and jaded.
*pets them*

Date: Saturday, 31 January 2009 00:53 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh, this is terrific :-) Sad and funny at the same time, and I love all the Management titles (great fun trying to identify them). Of course, the boys need time out and about. Looking forward to the next part :-)

Date: Saturday, 31 January 2009 13:08 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thanks! There should be a few identifiable cameos in there, but I hope it works even for those who don't know the people concerned.

Fred's bit is hilarious and very touching - you'll enjoy it :)

Date: Saturday, 31 January 2009 00:53 (UTC)
fififolle: (OMG!! cat)
From: [personal profile] fififolle
OMG!!! LOL!!! Awesome!!1 Stalker-in-Chief, muwahahaha!
Every single line of this had me sporfling and gasping, teehee! From the Chief Porn Officer to Head of Picspams (southern hemisphere), oh dear me! LOL
Amputation *headdesk*
This is so funny!
Any yet... oh! The poor boys :( We must makes them happy!!
I look forward to more!!!

Date: Saturday, 31 January 2009 13:11 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Stalker-in-Chief, I wonder who that could be ... ;)

I think Ryan will be getting the mortar out again if he overhears what the Chief medical Office is contemplating.

Fred is highly amused at how protective we are about the lads and keeping them happy :)
You'll love her sequel.

Date: Saturday, 31 January 2009 01:05 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You made me spew Mt. Dew! *giggles*

But, oh, the poor boys! We must fix them.

Date: Saturday, 31 January 2009 13:13 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*mops you up with some kitchen roll*

Fear not! We shall look after our lads *nods*

Date: Saturday, 31 January 2009 04:39 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
This was awesome! And brilliant! And so so much spot on :D I loved all the managers *bg*
*huggles the boys* Oh please do tell things will be alright?

Date: Saturday, 31 January 2009 13:17 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you :) A few recognisable cameos may just hvae sneaked in there ...

Don't worry, we'll do our darndest to make sure we keep our boys happy *nods*

Date: Saturday, 31 January 2009 08:41 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
LOL< I love this so much, starting with the title and carrying on from there!

Stephen's eyes make him the perfect candidate to impersonate a Norwegian Blue, and I suppose, technically, they're both pushing up the daisies, but we won't go THERE !!

Funny and sad all at the same time.

I think it says a lot about this fandom and its inhabitants that we can take a PWP idea, and invest it with quite this much depth.


Date: Saturday, 31 January 2009 13:21 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

The Condition That Shall Not Be Named *nods*

They really are taking on a life of their own, aren't they? Fandom (especially this fandom) is a wonderful thing.

Date: Saturday, 31 January 2009 08:51 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
wheeeeeee! Much sporfling at the management team, and trying to identify all the usual suspects.

But Sanctuary is getting a bit angsty lately, isn't it? Hopefully the team have a cunning plan to rectify this.

Date: Saturday, 31 January 2009 13:25 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
A few identifiable cameos might just have sneaked in there, Little Miss Maim and Kill ;)

Yes, poor lads. Fred's sequel has a point in it where I had tears in my eyes, but fear not, a cunning plan is indeed in place to keep our lads happy.

Date: Saturday, 31 January 2009 09:11 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Oh yes, we must do something about this.
What could that be....? *eg*

Date: Saturday, 31 January 2009 13:26 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Something Must Be Done.

*looks expectantly at flist*

Date: Saturday, 31 January 2009 10:10 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
This is a really funny concept. Thanks - and looking forward to Fred's Continuation.

Date: Saturday, 31 January 2009 11:40 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
If you want an excellent laugh sometime, hit the Sanctuary tag in Denial and scroll back to the beginning. You'll find some of the funniest fic in the fandom, by a huge variety of authors.

Date: Saturday, 31 January 2009 13:28 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thanks :)

Oops, I forgot the tags! Fred''s right, this will make a lot more sense if you read the other Sanctuary stuff as well :)

Fred's sequel is hilarious.

Date: Saturday, 31 January 2009 11:05 (UTC)
ext_1004: (Primeval)
From: [identity profile]
Yep, benign house arrest is right. And there's only so long that two guys like Ryan and Stephen are going to be able to put up with a cage, regardless of how gilded it it.

On the other hand, I love the various official titles! Amputation! Captain Jack and his inconvenient deaths! Different timezones! Mud in the ear!


Date: Saturday, 31 January 2009 13:41 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I know, I'm amazed we managed to keep them amused for this long. They will persist in having minds of their own *g*

Got to have the official titles *nods*.
It's the only way I'll ever get to be Chief Executive of anything, that's for sure.

Maybe we should point out to Captain Jack that there are two very hot men resident in Sanctuary to whom he could be introduced if he were to remain dead for more than two minutes at a time?

Glad it amused you :D

ETA: Edited for typing failure.
Edited Date: Saturday, 31 January 2009 14:14 (UTC)

Date: Saturday, 31 January 2009 11:13 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

////They’ve barely shagged in weeks.////


Love it, from the unique problem of trying to fit Jack Harkness into Sanctuary (keep trying), to all the different management team members, to the revelation of Just What Is Wrong With Our Boys. Looking forward to the sequel

Date: Saturday, 31 January 2009 13:31 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

*flails and runs about*

I'm looking forward to seeing what the rest of the Management Team come up with as well *g*

Date: Saturday, 31 January 2009 16:50 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You leave us with a "to be continued...."
This may be more than my little heart can take, please continue, pretty please, with chocolate & strawberries

Date: Sunday, 1 February 2009 14:15 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

*noms chocolate and strawberries, but does leave a few for The Hound*

Fred has posted the sequel now!
It's called 'Under New Management':

Date: Sunday, 1 February 2009 12:20 (UTC)
ext_27141: (Default)
From: [identity profile]
Gah, forgot to come back and read this yesterday!

You know, I think the only cameo I haven't worked out is the head of Visitor Services! I sense I may be being a bit dim...

But awwwwwwwwww, the poor boys! Management must fix it!

Date: Sunday, 1 February 2009 14:27 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Better late than never! I'm horribly behind on reading fic just now.

*coughs* Well, by the time I got to Head of Visitor Services it was getting a bit vague, as I didn't want to shoe-horn too many in-jokes in there and exclude people, but the closest candidate is probably yourself *g*

Fred and VS3 have fixed it for the lads! They're baaaaack!!!!!!!

Date: Saturday, 17 April 2010 13:35 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]


Brilliant. Just... brilliant.

Date: Saturday, 17 April 2010 23:36 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Fred was quite amused that I'd managed to make a PWP idea develop into something quite so angsty :)

I think the VS3 idea that The Management came up with probably kept the lads happily busy for quite a while (and now VS4!)

Date: Sunday, 18 April 2010 12:48 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*g* Anything can be made angsty, that's my theory/motto.

Yes, indeed! They do seem to be having a blast in VS4 (well, despite Ryan's vacation getting interrupted, but still!)

Date: Sunday, 23 January 2011 21:56 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
As wonderful and funny as all the other Sanctuary fics are, this, I think, is where it starts to really take off into something extra-special. And I had a great time trying to work out who all the Management were :-)

Date: Sunday, 23 January 2011 22:45 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thanks :) I had great fun incorporating some of the Denial lot into the fic - I hope I managed to do it and make it interesting for anyone who might not know who any of them were :)
I'm so, so chuffed at how the Sanctuary idea got picked up by other people in the fandom - they've done great things with it and I get a little thrill any time the sanctuary tag shows up in my inbox :D

Date: Thursday, 17 February 2011 15:11 (UTC)
shadowcat: (Default)
From: [personal profile] shadowcat
*pets the poor boys*

*goes to find what happens*

Date: Thursday, 17 February 2011 17:48 (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Lol, much as Fred said, only in Denial could a cracky PWP develop into existential angst!


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